Something I noticed while reading Legiron:
I’m hoping that they really do label everything as carcinogenic. Not just cigarettes and alcohol and fast food and all the usual suspects. No, everything. I want to see paintings and sculptures and buildings labeled as carcinogenic. And newspapers and books and bibles labeled as carcinogenic. And cars and buses and planes labeled as carcinogenic. And cats and dogs and goats and sheep and cattle labeled as carcinogenic. I want all fish individually labeled as carcinogenic. I want every single tile on my roof to be individually labeled as carcinogenic. And I want every single paving stone in the street outside labeled as carcinogenic. And I want trees and shrubs and flowers labeled as carcinogenic. And I want mountains and hills labeled as carcinogenic. And I want rivers and lakes and seas and oceans labeled as carcinogenic. And I want clouds labeled as carcinogenic. And I want air labeled as carcinogenic.
Oh, and I want the Sun and the Moon labeled as carcinogenic. And I want Mars and Jupiter and Saturn labeled as carcinogenic. And I want all asteroids and comets labeled as carcinogenic.And I want the stars individually labeled as carcinogenic, every single last one of them.
Why? Because once everything is carcinogenic, nothing will be carcinogenic. The word “carcinogenic” will become meaningless.
In fact, I wonder if it hasn’t always been meaningless, For as best I understand it, the way they used to determine whether something was carcinogenic or not was to shave the hair off mice, and paint their skin with the potential carcinogen. And if the mice developed cancer, they declared they’d found a new carcinogen.
Well, maybe they had. Or maybe they hadn’t. For it seems to me that it will be such a shock to a mouse to a) have its hair shaved off, and b) painted with some sort of gunk, that cancer might result regardless of what the gunk was made of. What if skin that’s covered in anything becomes cancerous, because it’s no longer getting any air or sun or water (or love)?
Why should they suppose that it’s only carcinogens that cause cancer? A few years back I concocted an evolutionary model of cancer which didn’t use any carcinogens at all. My idea was that as people aged, and cells in their bodies died, gaps would appear in tissues between cells, in the exact same way that clearings appear in forests when trees dies. And just like when trees die, and fast-growing weeds and shrubs and grasses and ferns start growing in the clearings, so also in the spaces between cells fast growing cells (if any happened to be around) could also multiply. And if there were enough gaps between cells for the gaps to join up with each other, fast-multiplying cells could rapidly multiply (“metastasize”) throughout a living body. No carcinogen caused these cancers. All that was needed was for cells to die off enough for spaces to appear between them, and you’d quite naturally find fast-growing cancers developing in them just like you find fast-growing plants filling clearings in forests.
I think that’s just as good an idea of what might cause cancer as the one these mice-shaving fuckers have got. Because if nothing else is clear, it’s at least clear that nobody – absolutely bloody nobody – has a clue what causes cancer. For if we did know, we’d almost certainly be able to prevent it. But we don’t know, so we can’t prevent it. (If my evolutionary model of cancer proved to be the right explanation, you could prevent cancer by filling up the spaces between cells with something that would prevent anything growing there.)
Anyway, the sooner these fuckers declare everything to be carcinogenic, and demand that everything be labeled as carcinogenic, the better. Because then we can close down their laboratories. And free all the mice.
Anyway, you do know that Smoking Causes Lung Cancer, don’t you? Good, I thought you would. Everybody Knows that Smoking Causes Lung Cancer. In fact, it’s the only thing that anyone knows with any certainty at all – including whether the Earth is flat.