It seems that the UK government has published a new Tobacco Control Plan. I’ve not read it. But Chris Snowdon seems to have read it, and hasn’t entirely panned it. It seems that the government may, as a direct consequence of Brexit, ease up on e-cigarettes:
PHE recommends that e-cigarette use is not covered by smokefree legislation and should not routinely be included in the requirements of an organisation’s smokefree policy.
Life will continue to be just as bad for tobacco smokers. In fact it will continue to get worse. That may be good news for vapers, but it’s bad news for smokers. And it will probably signal a deepening division between smokers and vapers, as the former are treated worse and worse, and the latter better and better. But we will see.
As for myself, I can’t help but notice the Orwellian language in the report. What they call “smokefree legislation” is what I call a “smoking ban”. But by introducing the word “free” they try to convert a restraint or restriction into a new form of freedom or liberation.
I also have trouble with the idea of the “Tobacco Control Plan” itself. Remove the “tobacco” and what’s left is a “control plan”. These people want to control other people, and they are making plans to do so. It’s not that they’re trying to control tobacco: they’re trying to control smokers – tobacco smokers. So really it should be called the “Tobacco Smokers Control Plan”.
And furthermore it’s not just tobacco smokers that they’re trying to control. They’re also after the Alcohol Drinkers and the Fast Food Eaters. The Tobacco Smokers Control Plan is well advanced. The Alcohol Drinkers Control Plan and the Fast Food Eaters Control Plan are slowly bringing up the rear. Coming soon, Custard Control, Lemon Meringue Pie Control, etc, etc.
Government, it seems, is now all about controlling people rather than representing them. Instead of the people deciding what’s good for them, the government decides. And it employs Experts who know better than ordinary people what’s good for them. We are now being governed by experts in every imaginable subject. If you want to exercise influence, become a well-paid Expert in something. Anything. And then set out to control it.
I think I’m going to set up Custard Control. Nobody else seems to have done it yet. And I’ll need a Custard Control Plan. I think I’ll need a few studies that show that hot custard kills. It’ll need some graphs. And I’ve just created one (right) showing that death rates rise with custard temperature. I’ll probably need one showing the variation of death rates with custard consistency, with children being killed more easily with hot, runny custard than with hot, solid custard. Or maybe the other way round. I’ll have to factor in custard sweetness, custard depth, custard colour as well. The really lethal custard is clearly hot, sweet, runny, pink custard that children are attracted to like moths to a candle flame.
See. It’s easy to become an Expert. I’m already a Custard Expert. You become an expert in something simply by thinking about it more than other people. How many people think much about custard temperature, consistency, sweetness, colour? Hardly any. But I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Well, about 10 minutes. And that’s 10 minutes more than anyone else.
Right, now that we’ve got some graphs, it might be an idea to write a few equations to generate the graphs. You start with the graphs you want, and then you write the equations to generate them.
Then obviously when you’ve got a product as lethal as hot, sweet, pink, runny custard being dished out by unscrupulous custard manufacturers – Big Custard – to innocent children, you have to regulate the trade. You have to introduce controls. Maximum and minimum temperatures, sugar contents, serving sizes, colours, and so forth.
One thing that obviously needs controlling is Secondhand Custard. This is the fine spray of custard that is thrown into the air whenever a spoon is pushed into a dish full of hot, sweet, runny, pink custard. Or which falls off the spoon onto the table, creating an impact explosion than can send custard particles hundreds of feet.
And Thirdhand Custard is the custard that has been left adhering to the dish and spoon (and table, chair, floor, ceiling), and which congeals slowly to rock-like hardness within weeks.
And then finally you need to have a Custard Control Plan for how to introduce these controls salami slice by salami slice. Or maybe custard slice by custard slice.
Finally, obviously, it’ll all need to be funded. Taking a leaf out of ASH’s book:
“Funding must be found if the Government is to achieve its vision of a “custardfree generation”. The custard industry should be made to pay a through a licence fee on the ‘polluter pays’ principle. Custard manufacturers are some of the most profitable companies on earth they can easily afford the costs of radical action to drive down custard deathrates.”
And then just sit back and watch the money pour in, while you gradually extend your Custard Control Plan to include blancmange and jelly and creme caramel.