My Custard Control Plan

It seems that the UK government has published a new Tobacco Control Plan. I’ve not read it. But Chris Snowdon seems to have read it, and hasn’t entirely panned it. It seems that the government may, as a direct consequence of Brexit, ease up on e-cigarettes:

PHE recommends that e-cigarette use is not covered by smokefree legislation and should not routinely be included in the requirements of an organisation’s smokefree policy.

Life will continue to be just as bad for tobacco smokers. In fact it will continue to get worse. That may be good news for vapers, but it’s bad news for smokers. And it will probably signal a deepening division between smokers and vapers, as the former are treated worse and worse, and the latter better and better. But we will see.

As for myself, I can’t help but notice the Orwellian language in the report. What they call “smokefree legislation” is what I call a “smoking ban”. But by introducing the word “free” they try to convert a restraint or restriction into a new form of freedom or liberation.

I also have trouble with the idea of the “Tobacco Control Plan” itself. Remove the “tobacco” and what’s left is a “control plan”. These people want to control other people, and they are making plans to do so. It’s not that they’re trying to control tobacco: they’re trying to control smokers – tobacco smokers. So really it should be called the “Tobacco Smokers Control Plan”.

And furthermore it’s not just tobacco smokers that they’re trying to control. They’re also after the Alcohol Drinkers and the Fast Food Eaters. The Tobacco Smokers Control Plan is well advanced. The Alcohol Drinkers Control Plan and the Fast Food Eaters Control Plan are slowly bringing up the rear. Coming soon, Custard Control, Lemon Meringue Pie Control, etc, etc.

Government, it seems, is now all about controlling people rather than representing them. Instead of the people deciding what’s good for them, the government decides. And it employs Experts who know better than ordinary people what’s good for them. We are now being governed by experts in every imaginable subject. If you want to exercise influence, become a well-paid Expert in something. Anything. And then set out to control it.

I think I’m going to set up Custard Control. Nobody else seems to have done it yet. And I’ll need a Custard Control Plan. I think I’ll need a few studies that show that hot custard kills. It’ll need some graphs. And I’ve just created one (right) showing that death rates rise with custard temperature. I’ll probably need one showing the variation of death rates with custard consistency, with children being killed more easily with hot, runny custard than with hot, solid custard. Or maybe the other way round. I’ll have to factor in custard sweetness, custard depth, custard colour as well. The really lethal custard is clearly hot, sweet, runny, pink custard that children are attracted to like moths to a candle flame.

See. It’s easy to become an Expert. I’m already a Custard Expert. You become an expert in something simply by thinking about it more than other people. How many people think much about custard temperature, consistency, sweetness, colour? Hardly any. But I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Well, about 10 minutes. And that’s 10 minutes more than anyone else.

Right, now that we’ve got some graphs, it might be an idea to write a few equations to generate the graphs. You start with the graphs you want, and then you write the equations to generate them.

Then obviously when you’ve got a product as lethal as hot, sweet, pink, runny custard being dished out by unscrupulous custard manufacturers – Big Custard – to innocent children, you have to regulate the trade. You have to introduce controls. Maximum and minimum temperatures, sugar contents, serving sizes, colours, and so forth.

One thing that obviously needs controlling is Secondhand Custard. This is the fine spray of custard that is thrown into the air whenever a spoon is pushed into a dish full of hot, sweet, runny, pink custard. Or which falls off the spoon onto the table, creating an impact explosion than can send custard particles hundreds of feet.

And Thirdhand Custard is the custard that has been left adhering to the dish and spoon (and table, chair, floor, ceiling), and which congeals slowly to rock-like hardness within weeks.

And then finally you need to have a Custard Control Plan for how to introduce these controls salami slice by salami slice. Or maybe custard slice by custard slice.

Finally, obviously, it’ll all need to be funded. Taking a leaf out of ASH’s book:

“Funding must be found if the Government is to achieve its vision of a “custardfree generation”. The custard industry should be made to pay a through a licence fee on the ‘polluter pays’ principle. Custard manufacturers are some of the most profitable companies on earth they can easily afford the costs of radical action to drive down custard deathrates.”

And then just sit back and watch the money pour in, while you gradually extend your Custard Control Plan to include blancmange and jelly and creme caramel.


About Frank Davis

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45 Responses to My Custard Control Plan

  1. It seems that the government may, as a direct consequence of Brexit, ease up on e-cigarettes:
    Unfortunately the sentences above the ‘see where we can sensibly deregulate’ are political speak for ‘the Blocked Dwarf is right, smokers will be even more fucked after Brexit than before’.
    I, for one, will be interested to see how many employers and public spaces do decide to allow vaping indoors. I suspect very few. Too deeply is the notion of 2nd hand vape ingrained, too strong ‘I have ASTHMA’ lobby.
    Oh and incase anyone is unclear ‘sensibly deregulate’ is NOT necessarily a good thing for smokers-not the way PMT.May will mean it. ..oh you thought it meant ‘not having both plain packs AND blast doors’ kinda thing?

    • jaxthefirst says:

      Ooh, BD! I didn’t notice that little “sensibly deregulate” sentence when I read the document (it was late and, to be frank, knowing that it was pretty much all the same-old same-old I really only skimmed it).

      Of course, you’re right – it’s highly unlikely that “de-regulation” will mean anything that calls the dogs off smokers. But it’s a curious expression to use, don’t you think, in a document which keeps batting on about how much it supports all the rules, regulations and laws already applied. De-regulation? Not re-regulation, or “further strengthening of existing regulation” or anything along those lines. De-regulation. As in un-regulation.

      The thing is, as there are no regulations which actually support or protect smokers’ rights, then clearly there’s nothing that they can de-regulate in that respect (which is probably, from our point of view, about the only good thing to come out of the fact that no such regulations exist) so it can’t apply to taking smokers’ rights away, because they already don’t have any; and as all the regulations currently in force work directly against smokers, and the report purports to support all of those, then clearly this de-regulation doesn’t intend apply to those, either. All the other wild suggestions constantly being thrown about by Tobacco Control aren’t actually regulations (yet), so it can’t apply to those, either, because you can’t de-regulate something that isn’t yet regulated – you can only “not regulate” them in the future. Which isn’t “de-regulation.”

      So the question is, exactly what does “sensible de-regulation” mean in this report? Curious.

      • My very first thought was that ‘deregulation’ will come to mean (whatever the dictionary or common sense says), the scrapping of the EU Regulations/Law -once they have been incorporated into Brit law- that guaranteed , for example, we might bring back as much tobacco from the EU as we like.

        • jaxthefirst says:

          Yep, that could be one of them. Are there any others? I’m damned if I can think of any! It would be nice to know what protections/advantages I might have been missing out on because I didn’t know about them, even if we’re about to lose them by leaving the EU!

          And why so coy? If duty-free restrictions are what they are planning on targeting, then why not say so? This a Big Tobacco Control Plan, after all, produced to delight and entertain their masters in the anti-smoking movement. You’d think that if they’d spotted one or two regulations, like this one, which actually work in smokers’ interests (and goodness knows, if there are any they’d surely stand out like sore thumbs amidst all the regulations that don’t) then you’d think they’d be delighted to show how clever they were in noticing them and what good little doggies they were by taking steps to eliminate them, rather than couching them behind this rather vague phrase.

          And if it’s only this one, then why not explain it in detail, rather than insinuating, by being so woolly-worded, that there’s heaps of regulations which smokers are enjoying some benefit from (yeh, right) that they intend to tackle? Perhaps they’re hoping that they’ll find some little protections that the naughty old EU have sneaked through, though goodness knows where they think they’re going to find any. I certainly never heard of any EU regulations which actively aim to protect smokers’ rights (I wish). Even the EHRA’s famed section on “right to private and family life” makes an exception in cases of “national security” or – most pertinently for smokers – “health reasons,” thus rendering that whole section pretty much worthless, because virtually anything you can think of, with a bit of wordplay and spin and a compliant media (like ours), can be linked to either of those two “exceptions.” And what I’ve read of the TPD tends to indicate that the EU would privately like to out-anti pretty much any of their individual member states if they had the chance, although admittedly, they’d have to go a long way if they wanted to out-anti the UK. We’re the tops in that department – they can’t touch us in the smoker-hating stakes!

  2. roobeedoo2 says:

    Spotted dick… Is that a direct consequence of custard – there was no spotted dick before custard?

  3. buckothemoose says:

    For all those who enjoy custard, I’m going to set up a pro-custard blog and a virtual custard-eaty bar online, so we can all get together and fight Franks draconian Custard Control Plan

    And also..

    Ambrose Clark from the custard rights group, Forrec, had this to say: “We all know that custard is bad for you, but yadda, yadda, yadda….”

  4. Supergran says:

    PMSL – oh Frank, you’ve proper made me laugh today.

  5. wobbler2012 says:

    Brilliant Frank! You’ve hit the nail right on the head with this post.

  6. Rose says:

    I think I’ll need a few studies that show that hot custard kills

    No problem, Frank, I’m on it already, for a start, eggs have already been demonized before, people were previously warned off whole milk because of the fat content and there was a plan in 2008 to put cigarette style warnings on milk products like butter and cheese. As for the sugar content, well, you are on to a winner there with all the anti-sugar “studies” around at the moment.
    Even Stanton Glantz is on the case.

    Sugar Industry and Coronary Heart Disease Research
    A Historical Analysis of Internal Industry Documents
    Stanton Glantz 2016

    “Together with other recent analyses of sugar industry documents, our findings suggest the industry sponsored a research program in the 1960s and 1970s that successfully cast doubt about the hazards of sucrose while promoting fat as the dietary culprit in CHD.”
    Isn’t it amazing how they run back to momma every time they start a new purge.

    I did the egg one for you earlier.

    Dietary cholesterol and egg yolks: Not for patients at risk of vascular disease

    “A widespread misconception has been developing among the Canadian public and among physicians. It is increasingly believed that consumption of dietary cholesterol and egg yolks is harmless.”

    However, I like custard and shall ignore every word you say on the subject.

  7. slugbop007 says:

    These are the guidelines for publishing papers in the BMJ

    Especially pertinent isTobacco industry funded work:

    Tobacco Control will not consider for publication papers reporting work funded, in whole or in part, by a tobacco company or tobacco industry organization. Nor will the journal consider papers by authors who accept tobacco industry funding, including funding for research costs, for all or part of any author’s salary, or other forms of personal remuneration. For further information, please read this editorial giving the reasoning behind the journal’s policy. Failure to declare competing interests at submission, or when an article is commissioned, can result in immediate rejection of the paper. If a competing interest comes to light after publication, Tobacco Control will issue a formal correction to or retraction of the whole paper, as appropriate.

    The WHO now claims 7 million tobacco-related deaths (whatever that means) a year. Just last year it was 5 million. Probably redefined their parameters. Here is a PDF of their latest BS:

    It’s free to join researchgate and it’s now all tobacco related. Science, Astronomy, you name it.


  8. waltc says:

    Ah, but there’ll be a Resistance Movement: Custard’s Last Stand.

    • Rose says:

      Oh very good, Walt.

      “Custer’s Last Drag: An Examination of Tobacco Use among the Seventh Cavalry during the Nineteenth Century”

      I am beginning to worry about me, I have been using the spare brain capacity that I was saving for my old age to do all this research and now it’s stuck in my head, like Mr. Memory in The 39 Steps.

      • smokingscot says:

        @ Rose.

        One more request if you will. Latest bumph from “a major global report” on dementia claims quitting smoking will help people avoid dementia.

        That does not gel with what I’ve read here and elsewhere. In fact my recollection is that smoking actually helps prevent the onset of dementia.

        Am I correct? And if so, has smoking been included just for the hell of it (your opinion)?

        • RdM says:

          Rose mentioned antidepressants if not anti-dementia in her last comment on ‘fooled again’, but I agree with you that I’ve read specific evidence re dementia, well,
          Alzheimer at least, Parkinson’s also.

          A reminder of some benefits here:

          and from the delightful Gabriela Segura, M.D.

          But there will be more specific references out there.
          Maybe even with Forces.

        • Joe L. says:

          Wow. That contradicts a number of other studies I’ve read. It seems like every statistic in that article was completely pulled out of thin air. This one’s my favorite:

          Ensuring everyone was educated to at least the age of 15 would cut the total number of dementia cases by 8 per cent, it added.

          Ha! I’d love to hear them explain the reasons why they believe being educated to the age of 15 years old has any effect whatsoever as to developing dementia ~60 years later.

          This article vilifies pretty much every contemporary lifestyle taboo; it appears to be nothing more than yet another transparent attempt at social engineering via fear-mongering.

        • Rose says:

          First you need a proper definition of what Dementia means.
          Having read through that medical wish list, one might think that this sudden outbreak of smoking-related dementia is almost exclusively linked to the effects of a prolonged Smoking Ban.
          Social isolation, depression, physical immobility because there is nowhere to go, no conversation, nothing to stimulate the mind.

          What is dementia?

          “The word ‘dementia’ describes a set of symptoms that may include memory loss and difficulties with thinking, problem-solving or language. These changes are often small to start with, but for someone with dementia they have become severe enough to affect daily life. A person with dementia may also experience changes in their mood or behaviour.

          Dementia is caused when the brain is damaged by diseases, such as Alzheimer’s disease or a series of strokes. Alzheimer’s disease is the most common cause of dementia, but not the only one. The specific symptoms that someone with dementia experiences will depend on the parts of the brain that are damaged and the disease that is causing the dementia.”

          After a quick look this morning.
          Apparently the WHO linked smoking with Dementia in 2014 and I did find a study from the previous year involving mice bred to develop alzeheimers.

          9 July 2014 – Smokers have a 45% higher risk of developing dementia than non-smokers, according to information published today by the World Health Organization (WHO) and Alzheimer’s Disease International (ADI). Evidence reviewed by WHO reveals a strong link between smoking and the risk of dementia, and the more a person smokes, the higher the risk. It is estimated that 14% of Alzheimer’s disease cases worldwide are potentially attributable to smoking.

          WHO warns that exposure to second-hand smoke (passive smoking) may also increase the risk of dementia.

          “Since there is currently no cure for dementia, public health interventions need to focus on prevention by changing modifiable risk factors like smoking,” says Dr Shekhar Saxena, Director of the Department for Mental Health and Substance Abuse at WHO.”

          Smoking exacerbates amyloid pathology in a mouse model of Alzheimer’s disease

          “Several epidemiological studies have shown that cigarette smoking might alter the incidence of Alzheimer’s disease. However, inconsistent results have been reported regarding the risk of Alzheimer’s disease among smokers. Previous studies in experimental animal models have reported that administration of some cigarette components (for example, nicotine) alters amyloid-β aggregation, providing a possible link. However, extrapolation of these findings towards the in vivo scenario is not straightforward as smoke inhalation involves a number of other components. Here, we analysed the effect of smoking under more relevant conditions. We exposed transgenic mouse models of Alzheimer’s disease to cigarette smoke and analysed the neuropathological alterations in comparison with animals not subjected to smoke inhalation.

          Our results showed that smoking increases the severity of some abnormalities typical of Alzheimer’s disease, including amyloidogenesis, neuroinflammation and tau phosphorylation<. Our findings suggest that cigarette smoking may increase Alzheimer’s disease onset and exacerbate its features and thus, may constitute an important environmental risk factor for Alzheimer’s disease."
          https: //

        • Frank Davis says:

          “The word ‘dementia’ describes a set of symptoms that may include memory loss and difficulties with thinking, problem-solving or language…”

          I suffer from memory loss and difficulties with thinking and problem-solving and language. And I have done all my life.

          I still don’t know where my other sock is. And I still can’t speak Hungarian.

        • Rose says:

          “Normally tau protein is a hard-working participant in memory and normal brain function.
          But in Alzheimer’s and other neuro-degenerative diseases, it not only stops playing a productive role in brain health, it becomes a misshapen attacker that instead destroys the brain cells.”
          http: //

          Vitamin may ward off Alzheimer’s
          “A team from the Chicago Institute for Healthy Aging found niacin – vitamin B3 – was also linked to a reduced risk of age-related mental decline.”
          http: //

          Alzheimer’s Symptoms, Lesions Reduced By Vitamin B3

          “Nicotinamide, a form of vitamin B3, lowered levels of a protein called phosphorylated tau that leads to the development of tangles, one of two brain lesions associated with Alzheimer’s disease. The vitamin also strengthened scaffolding along which information travels in brain cells, helping to keep neurons alive and further preventing symptoms in mice genetically wired to develop Alzheimer’s”
          http: //

          Nicotinamide Restores Cognition in Alzheimer’s Disease Transgenic Mice via a Mechanism Involving Sirtuin Inhibition and Selective Reduction of Thr231-Phosphotau

          Niacin and Niacinamide In Flue Cured Cigarette Smoke Condensate August 10 1960

          The tobacco companies never bothered to advertise the vitamin B3 content of cigarettes when it was in the news because, and I am quoting from memory ” a person would have to smoke an unfeasibly large amount of cigarettes to get his RDA”

          And that was before the NCAB reduced the nicotine in cigarettes.
          There is far more in coffee.

          Where else you can get the 2,3,6-trimethyl-1,4-naphthoquinone though, I simply don’t know.

          Parkinson’s Inhibitor Fingered in Tobacco
          “From the fraction containing the most potent MAO inhibitor, they isolated a chemical known as 2,3,6-trimethyl-1,4-naphthoquinone.”
          http: //

        • smokingscot says:

          Thank you all very much indeed. Dragged out an old link that’s an October ’16 study by a Texas University, claiming that nicotine can help prevent both Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease.

          Researchers think that the potential brain-protecting effects may be linked to the chemical’s ability to suppress appetite. Smokers are far less likely to be overweight or obese, which, in a somewhat twisted way, provides some benefit to the brain. When people don’t eat too much, their brains don’t shrink as quickly, keeping them mentally sharper for longer.

          So it’s also a tacit admission that the war on tobacco is almost certainly part of the reason for our so called obesity crisis.

    • buckothemoose says:


  9. Smoking Lamp says:

    Smokers in Prague, Czech Republic are standing up against that country’s recent smoking ban. “23,000 People Signed the Petition Against Smoking Ban”

    “According to the organizers, the petition’s goal is to repeal the absolute smoking ban in all pubs and restaurants, which have all reported a decrease in customers and are on the verge of bankruptcy since the ban went into effect. Deputy Chairman Jaroslav Kubera, who once suggested the revocation of the ban in all pubs, supports the petition. “The law is going over the edge. Instead of finding a way for two groups of people to not bother each other, they implemented a radical solution,” states Kubera.”

    The same type of revolt is much needed elsewhere…

  10. RdM says:

    Or maybe custard slice by custard slice.

    Further regulations are suggested for the chocolate custard variant.
    A study shows all sorts of dangerous seeming chemicals, for instance

    coumarin, cyanidin, cyanidin-3-beta-l-arabinoside, cyanidin-3-galactoside, cyanidin-glycoside,
    [among many others!]
    oxalic-acid, p-anisic-acid, p-coumaric-acid, p-coumarylquinic-acid, p-hydroxybenzoic-acid, p-hydroxyphenylacetic-acid, palmitic-acid, palmitodiolen, pantothenic-acid, pectin, pentose, peroxidase, phenylacetic-acid, phenylalanine, phlobaphene, phosphatidyl-choline, phosphatidyl- ethanolamine, phosphatidyl-inositol, phospholipids, phosphorus, phytase, planteose, polygalacturonate, polyphenol-oxidase, polyphenols, proline, propionic-acid, propyl-acetate, protocatechuic-acid, purine, pyridoxine,

    Do we want this sort of chemical cocktail to be available to children at the check-out?

    More funds are needed.

  11. Pingback: Completely Out Of Control | Frank Davis

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