Last night I turned off all my computers, and physically disconnected them from both the electricity main and the telephone line. I pulled the plugs out of the wall. I didn’t want to pull dead microprocessor chips out of them, their legs bent and twisted and fried.
Why? Because there were thunderstorms coming up from the south. We were going to get two inches of rain in an hour. There was going to be wall-to-wall thunder and lightning, and torrential rain.
The local forecast was for it all to kick off at 7 p.m. So I was ready by then. I’d even closed all the windows.
I should’ve realised that something was amiss when I checked the local forecast again, and found that the deluge had been deferred to 11 p.m. But by then I’d seen the Telegraph simulation model showing the ugly storms tracking northward like wolves loping across the fields. They came in packs.
It was going to be one of those storms that knocked out the electricity supply in whole regions of England, demolished a few chimneys, and had flooded roads sweeping cars away. A few people would probably be killed.
But I was ready. I even had candles and torches ready for when the lights went out. At one point I even thought I could hear the distant thunder, and see the far-off lightning.
But when I fell asleep at 1:30 am, the storm still hadn’t come. Although I knew the thunder would wake me, if the lightning didn’t, or the water sluicing off the roof and down the windows.
Yet when I woke at 7:30 am, it was sunny, and the roads were dry. There weren’t even the tell-tale damp patches that indicate earlier rainfall.
There had been no storm.
It hadn’t even rained.
I’d just been fooled again by the experts. I’m always being fooled by experts. They’re probably having a good laugh about it right now. Tee hee.
In fact there actually was flooding in Cornwall.
Heavy rain which sent a 4ft torrent of water through a Cornish village has left a “devastating” scene, a fire chief said.
About 50 properties were damaged and several people had to be rescued in Coverack, on the Lizard Peninsula, as storms hit on Tuesday afternoon,
Water swept through the village, leaving roads in and out impassable. A school bus remains stranded.
Just not round here. The wolves didn’t come this far north. They stopped in Cornwall and savaged a village, unloading 4 feet of water on it.
So, OK. If it didn’t rain last night, it may still rain today.
When are the storms going to hit Manchester? There’s some horrendous weather heading our way
It’s like global warming. Or lung cancer. You know it’s coming. Everybody knows it’s coming, and everyone’s waiting with their computers unplugged, their candles and torches ready, and their trousers rolled up to just below their knees.
And then you gradually realise that you’ve just been fooled again. And you feel a bit sheepish about it. And hope that nobody noticed that you were wandering around with your trousers rolled up, and a torch in your hand.
Weather forecasts can only fool people for a day or two. But lung cancer warnings and global warming predictions can keep people fooled for years, even decades. Maybe centuries.
So, you may not have lung cancer yet – but just wait another 20 years, and you will.
So, the temperature outside may be the same as it always was, with trees and grass and stuff growing nice and green – but just wait another century, and it’s going to be a scorching desert.
You do believe me, don’t you? Good. I thought you would. I’m an expert.