Bleeding Obvious

After learning of Theresa May’s shock announcement yesterday that she wanted a General Election on 8 June, I wondered what had prompted it. I read somewhere that she’d only made up her mind about it over the Easter weekend, while on a walking holiday.

I was also wondering whether Kitten Heels might be a secret smoker like Barack Obama and David Cameron. What better way to enjoy a few gaspers with nobody noticing than on a long walk in the Peak District?

It was with these thoughts in mind that I re-read these lines in the essay I wrote on Easter Saturday:

If I’m surprised that more pubs haven’t closed, I’m equally surprised that the Conservatives haven’t used pub smoking bans as a very big stick with which to beat both the killjoys in the Labour party, and the killjoys in the Lib Dem party. Because 90% of Labour MPs, and 95% of Lib Dem MPs, voted for the indoor smoking ban. By contrast only about 30% of Conservative MPs did. I can imagine any number of jibes along the lines of “Vote Labour if you want to kill off the rest of the pubs and clubs in your constituency” or “Vote Labour if you want to destroy what’s left of British culture”.

Because, as far as I can see, and said so yesterday, that’s exactly what the Labour party of Jeremy Corbyn want to do. They want to completely destroy the entire culture, and replace it with something else.

And everything fell into place. It all added up. It was bleeding obvious. It was a simple matter of adding 1 and 2 and 3 together to make 123.

It goes like this:

Last Saturday, Theresa May had come home to her little rented cottage in the Peak District, a bit annoyed that she’d had to walk seven miles to find somewhere to enjoy a quiet smoke, all entirely thanks to Labour’s parliamentary killjoys. So she typed “Labour’s parliamentary killjoys” into her ipad while brewing up some tea, and found herself reading my little essay about them.

And as she read the bit about the “very big stick” she said, “By Jove, he’s right! There are about 10 million royally pissed-off smokers in Britain begging for someone to speak up for them. Nigel Farage has been doing it in a small way, but he’s not even an MP, let alone a Prime Minister like me. So why not make a strong bid for the smoker vote that’s currently going UKIP’s way, because nobody else wants their filthy votes? Why not offer them the same thing as UKIP does: smoking rooms in pubs? We’d win by a landslide!”

Within minutes, as she toasted scones over the cottage’s coal fire, she was on the encrypted blower to Anthony Fothergill-Sprote, one of her key political advisers. “What do you think, Tony?” she asked, after running the idea past him.

“Great idea,” he replied. “But why not go one step further than UKIP, and say that it should be up to pub landlords, not governments, to decide whether their pubs are smoking or non-smoking? After all, wasn’t that what Brexit was really all about: getting big government off people’s backs? You know, power to the people, and all that?”

“But what about all the antismoking bastards in the Department of Health and ASH and the WHO?” Theresa May asked, as she smeared butter on the charred, smoky scones. “They’ll have a fit, won’t  they? They’ll say that we’re condemning millions of people to a slow lingering death.”

“Just ignore them. Or refer them the The Smokers’ Graveyard for all the deaths that smoking bans cause. Real deaths too. Like falling out of windows. Not just imaginary mathematical extrapolations, conjured out of thin air.”

Theresa May glanced up at the No Smoking sign fixed on the wall of the cottage’s tiny living room, as she ate the last of the hot, charred, buttered, jammy scones. She licked her fingers and reached for the Benson & Hedges pack in her handbag, trying to ignore the pictures of screaming, crucified children on it.

“You know what, Tony? You know what I’ve got a good mind to do? I’m going to announce this from behind the lectern outside 10, Downing Street, wearing my kitten heels…”

“And a gypsy outfit with a feather boa…” Tony interjected.

“…and light up a queen-sized B&H right then and there, in front of all the BBC and Channel 4 cameras,” Theresa May continued, as she climbed onto a chair to hang out of the living room window, light up her cigarette, and gaze down at the rose bush below. “And then blow smoke in their faces. Really stick it to them, with a cruel smile on my lips.”

I think something like this is what must have happened. Theresa May is, very daringly, going to make a bid for the smoker vote that Labour and the Lib Dems didn’t dare touch – in fact, couldn’t touch. This will win her a landslide victory.

It’s obvious really.

Don’t you think it’s bleeding obvious?

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About Frank Davis

smoker
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22 Responses to Bleeding Obvious

  1. Roobeedoo2 says:

    The Budget laid the groundwork for a ‘snap’ election:

    https://hat4uk.wordpress.com/2017/03/08/the-budget-hammond-clears-decks-for-mays-back-me-or-fire-me-general-election/

    However, that doesn’t mean to say the PM didn’t read your essay at the weekend, Frank, and thought “Go for it” ;)

  2. I did like the fact she made up her mind whilst trampling all over Wales. How apt! Maybe her next holiday might be in the Scottish Monroes?
    I watched the German news last night, which led on the surprise election. Germany seems very worried that if May loses/doesn’t get the thumping majority she desires that Brexit may not happen and the ZDF reporter outside the HoC went out of his way to explain that the chances of Brexit not happening are very very slight. As I’ve said before the feeling in the EU as far as I can tell is very much ‘good riddance and you aren’t getting custody of the dog’.
    The German reporter also explained that it wasn’t the Europhile tory MPs, as I had assumed, that had frightened May into calling the surprise election (something no PM does unless they really really have to and reading between the lines of her speech it was pretty clear) but rather she felt ‘imprisoned’ by the more frothy mouthed Anti-European MPs who have made it clear to her they will vote against any Brexit Bill which isn’t, in their opinion, diamond hard. The news actually said ‘feels imprisoned’ btw.
    I’m wondering if Farage will be ‘invited’ to become leader of UKIP (remember them?). Which way will UKIP jump? Will they tell their xenophobic rabble to vote ‘tory to keep brexit brexit’ or are they wet dreaming about a coalition with a weakened May?
    For weeks the EU news has been telling us that many ‘remainers’ had resigned themselves to their fate and had adopted a very british ‘bunker mentality’ because they saw no chance of stopping Brexit or at least securing a ‘soft’ one. If they all decide to emerge blinking into the sunlight of this new political dawn and decide to vote Lib Dem (remember them?) it could take just enough off May’s majority to make a coalition with UKIP seem palatable and a coalition with UKIP could be good for smokers…except of course Farage or whatever non-entity leads them now will sell out smokers at the first drop of a Public Health hat. Because they are all democratically elected Members of a sovereign, independent UK Parliament and that’s what our sovereign, independent law makers always do, sell out my people.
    Me I shan’t vote , all too much ‘please Sir,beat me some more?’ for my taste. I’m a smoker not a gimp.

  3. Frank Davis says:

    In the above video, Jeremy Corbyn speaks of “a society that cares for all.”

    “Except smokers,” I couldn’t help adding.

    • *reminds himself to make another sign for his front door “I will vote for whichever party doesn’t knock here and doesn’t fill my letterbox with it’s glossy spam” * worked quite well last time, seemed to keep them all away except the Libdems. A lie of course , I won’t be voting for any of them but they have all lied to me so fair’s fair.

  4. Bleedin’ obvious indeed! Very nicely done Frank! LOL! You have a fun dialogue writing flair way beyond mine!

    :)
    Michael

    • He is rather good, but it doesn’t do to encourage him :P

      • LOL! Hey, I’d even encourage him with CHOCOLATE!

        • The price of his beloved rolling tobacco in the UK now (About 27 of your mickey mouse dollars for 2oz) he’d probably appreciate a few Hershey bars sent over…oh hold on, NO ONE appreciates American ‘chocolate’! Not if they’ve been brought up on Cadburys. Yanks do many things very well, surprisingly well even, but making chocolate isn’t one. Stick to burgers, guys, play to your strengths.

        • We *do* have occasional islands of goodness in our chocolate scene BD! :> Although the really good stuff gets pretty pricey at small shops where they make their own.

          And to some extent, preferences in chocolate are an acquired taste. Cadbury’s always tastes kind of “waxy” to me: it melts more easily on the tongue, but “feels/tastes” a bit flat.

          My general “go to” chocolate is bought during trips to the warehouse shopping club: 72 ounce bags of Nestles Semi-Sweet Chocolate Bits for under $10! Heh, actually my brother caught some kind of humongous sale there a year or so ago where, combining it with some sort of coupon, he paid about $7 per bag (i.e. less than 10 cents an ounce!) I think he bought (literally) about 30 bags in the course of several trips, with each of us getting half of them. We still have a fair number left: 3,500 ounces of chocolate go a LONNNNNG way! Especially since we supplement the bits with other varieties.

          I think I”ve mentioned it here before, but I’ve worked out that I have eaten somewhat over two TONS of chocolate in my lifetime! Dunno where it all went though: I only weigh 115 pounds! (yep… you read that right: just under 50kg!)

        • RdM says:

          What? Chocolate, containing such evil chemicals as coumarin, cyanidin, ,,, ?
          http://www.rain-tree.com/chocolate.htm

        • and above all S U G A R -which everyone KNOWS is the NEW TOBACCO!

        • Hey, the coumarin helps keep my blood from clotting and giving me heart attacks. And I keep the deadly sugar down by going only for darker chocolate!

  5. nisakiman says:

    Perhaps you should send her this link, Frank:

    (It’s in English, with German subtitles – H/T Audrey Silk’s ‘Smoking is normal’ Facebook page). She might be inclined to de-fund all those malignant anti-smoking groups, then. Think of the savings! A surefire vote winner!

  6. James says:

    She’s diabetic,so no doubt scones and jam and cigarettes are frowned upon,sigh.

  7. Rose says:

    Theresa May is, very daringly, going to make a bid for the smoker vote that Labour and the Lib Dems didn’t dare touch – in fact, couldn’t touch. This will win her a landslide victory

    Whatever she is doing it for, it’s doing nothing for my nerves.

  8. pete says:

    just found this woman today – she wrote a forward to the book “Political Ponerology” – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbHA2qyPvlM

  9. smokingscot says:

    She has no need of a rented cottage in the country, she’s got Chequers – and that takes the cottage thing to a whole new level.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chequers

    Yes she was walking in the country at the weekend, however that’s perhaps too narrow a definition. The Prime Minister was doing – as she has done for several years – marshalling at a 10 mile race in her constituency. There are stacks of photos of her, without a single bodyguard in sight.

    http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/792024/Theresa-May-selfie-Maidenhead-Easter-10-runners-volunteer

    What’s obvious is she’s having a grand old time and indeed she was there doing a real Marshall bit in what was a chilly afternoon. Say what you like, the Lady’s got class – and the common touch. (Personally the pong of sweaty bodies is not remotely appealing – and no smart arsed comment that we can’t smell ’em on account we smoke – they honk, they really do).

    However, on a slightly more serious note I do believe Ms. Ruth Davidson (leader of the Tories in Scotland) was a significant force in her decision to call for a GE. Ruth’s done more for the Tories in Scotland than any leader in recent memory and she regularly makes mincemeat out of Sturgeon.

    The fact her name was put forward for the leadership post last July by English MP’s says a lot. Tess is known to have very few close confidants. Hopefully Ruth’ll earn her spurs if she does deliver more than one singular Westminster Tory MP.

    In the early ’60’s the Scottish Unionists had 30 seats in Scotland and until Maggie introduced the Poll Tax they had 21 seats. It’ll be a major achievement if Ruth is instrumental in reversing their fortunes in Scotland.

    But the named person thing, the increase in income tax for the wealthy and the swingeing property sales tax, all introduced by Sturgeon’s lot, has pissed off one heck of a lot of middle class people. Oh and we’re all rather peeved at the way Sturgeon – and Salmond and the rest of that shower in Westminster – have used us as a blatant attempt to queer Brexit. .

  10. waltc says:

    Meanwhile, back in Manhattan reality, the progressive mayor and city council have today proposed raising the minimum price of a pack (now $10.50) to $13, decreasing the number of stores that can sell them, imposing an additional 10% tax on all “tobacco products” (which likely includes vape) and pressuring apartment building landlords to “voluntarily” curtail smoking or at the least ‘”warn’ the innocent nonsmokers that somebody somewhere in the building might be smoking. I wonder if this includes actually mapping smokers’ apartments. The juggernaut rolls on

    • RdM says:

      I just came across the following site through a link in the story on the NYT at
      wattsupwiththat.com “Proof the New York Times Stealthily Revises its Articles after Publication”

      See how the NYT article on the proposed price hike was revised (probably from activist pressure, looking at the compared revisions).

      http://newsdiffs.org/article-history/https%3A/www.nytimes.com/2017/04/19/nyregion/de-blasio-smoking-new-york-city-tobacco.html

      • Joe L. says:

        Very interesting revisions, indeed. There was far more than simple proofreading going on here. Thanks for the link, RdM! I’m glad to see someone is archiving these edits for posterity’s sake.

        • RdM says:

          Thanks, Joe!
          Have a look at the original article that led me to the newsdiffs site
          https://wattsupwiththat.com/2017/04/19/proof-the-new-york-times-stealthily-revises-its-articles-after-publication/

          I have an off-the-cuff comment there awaiting moderation.
          I may not have said it well. Just a starter. Drinks again!

          But there have been comments here before on how similar the CAGW catastrophic alarmist global warming scam is to the anti-tobacco scam.
          Perhaps wiser heads than mine can weigh in, supply links & etc, if needed.

          RdM Your comment is awaiting moderation.
          April 20, 2017 at 2:10 am
          Thanks to to the author for a great & revealing article and for the newsdiffs.org link.

          A clear example of activist pressure driving revisions is here:
          http://newsdiffs.org/article-history/https%3A/www.nytimes.com/2017/04/19/nyregion/de-blasio-smoking-new-york-city-tobacco.html

          The (Big Pharma funded) anti-tobacco scam and resultant cult and ‘public health’ research (‘evidenced based’ policy, like a ‘fruit-based’ drink, is really only supported by agenda driven cherry picked selective ‘evidence’) gravy train, is even older and just as riven by bad ‘science’ and demonisation of dissenters as the CAGW scam.

          I could go on… tobacco has many benefits, and its asserted and propagandised ‘harms’ wildly exaggerated, just like CO2, but in this case, instead of blaming industry, it’s been to deflect blame from industry, on to ‘individual choice’, away from diesel, coal tar, radioactive fallout from all the above-ground tests, &etc.

          OK, I’ve stuck my neck out, head above the parapet. :=})

          Cheers!

          Ross Matheson

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