Start Smoking Again

H/T Johnny H for this Daily Mash ‘ad’:

It’s very amusing, but it may also be prescient.

All my life I’ve been having people tell me, usually with a smug look on their faces, that they’ve given up smoking. But a time may be coming when the same people will tell me, with exactly the same smug look on their faces, that they’ve started smoking again.

It occurs to me that there is tremendous scope for courses along these lines.

One might say that a Secondhand Smoke Desensitisation course is badly needed. How might one be conducted? Well, on Day One, participants would be sat in a large hall, and the course lecturer would arrive on stage, and after a few preliminary remarks, would light a cigarette. If some participants should panic, there would be large swing doors for them to escape out into open air, where they could breathe auto exhaust instead. On Day Two, the lecturer would make his/her preliminary remarks while smoking a cigarette, and then invite questions while smoking a second cigarette. Matters would proceed in this manner throughout the 2-week course, with numerous assistants joining the principal lecturer in smoking cigarettes, pipes, and cigars, so that by the end of the course, there’d be a nice blue haze in the room.

Throughout the course, participants would have to fill in detailed questionnaires, charting their progress, that asked whether they had developed cancer or heart disease during the course, or washed their hair more often than usual, or their lungs had turned black.

Some courses would be enlivened by the appearance of the infamous Dr Leg-iron as a guest lecturer, and he would ask people to feel inside their mouths for lumps, and explain that these were caused by seeing thirdhand smoke in movies, and were invariably fatal. There would usually be a terror-stricken mass exodus from Dr Leg-iron’s lectures.

In the final lecture, the hall would be turned into a cinema, and Humphrey Bogart’s Casablanca projected onto the wall through the blue haze, re-creating the authentic Ye Olde Smoky Cinema experience, complete with torch-wielding usherettes selling ice cream and popcorn from trays.

In an adjoining shop, cigarettes, pipes, cigars, and tobacco would be on sale, along with wine, beer, and spirits, and full cream milk and butter, sugar, lard, salt, chocolate, pizza, hamburgers, bacon, sausages, and an enormous range of icing sugar-coated cream cakes made with real cream (these also in handy bite sizes for the kiddies) .

There would be accompanying courses showing people how the make a traditional “Full Heart Attack” breakfast of bacon, fried eggs, fried sausages, fried black pudding, fried bread, fried tomatoes, and fried mushrooms. They’d be taught how to perfect the art of getting little pools of hot fat on the fried egg whites, and a burnt fringe round the edge of them. They’d also be shown how to dunk slabs of white bread in hot dripping to wash down with mugs of boiling hot sweet milky tea. They’d also be taught how to smoke both during and in between courses, while reading a newspaper, and with their feet up on an adjoining chair.  And they’d be taught how to not do the washing-up afterwards, but just leave it in the sink until tomorrow.

In fact, you could probably construct a complete university with all the many different courses needed to undo the damage done by the past 30 or 40 years of concerted scaremongering about absolutely everything. Science courses would explain how CO2 was beneficial, and was actually needed by plants to grow. And how we are, right now, living in a brief 10 thousand year long ‘global warming’ episode between 100,000 year ice ages, and should be damn glad of it. Mathematics courses would either teach people how to do statistics properly, or advise them never to use it at all.

Political courses would be about how it’s a darn good thing to live in a country which is full of people who can speak the same language as you do, and what’s more, is run by people who can speak the same language too, and whom you elected – rather than by a remote palatial central government populated by politicians who have all elected each other, and who pay no taxes on their enormous salaries, and who are immune from prosecution, in somewhere like, say, Brussels.

There’d be a good living to be made from it, much like the living made by the Tobacco Control Industry in its heyday, but simply undoing everything they have done. And since some people will probably never lose their fear of SHS or CO2 or cream cakes or bacon, you could always count on them coming back to take the courses again and again.

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About Frank Davis

smoker
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20 Responses to Start Smoking Again

  1. harleyrider1978 says:

    LMFAO!!!!Frank its fantastic love it!!!

  2. smoker says:

    Horticulture should also be on your syllabus. Tobacco grows well given the correct conditions. A useful followup lecture would be the cure and preparation of tobacco.

  3. Vapingpoint says:

    What a fun idea! Made me feel really good.

  4. beobrigitte says:

    Brilliant!!!
    All my life I’ve been having people tell me, usually with a smug look on their faces, that they’ve given up smoking. But a time may be coming when the same people will tell me, with exactly the same smug look on their faces, that they’ve started smoking again.

    Actually, I am beginning to notice such a shift, and I even know non-smokers who have a designated COMFORTABLE smoking room in their houses as it is considered VERY impolite, as a host, NOT to cater for all guests and friends. One such a friend actually said: “it is RUDE to even think of asking smoking friends to go outside; I know you are a smoker and I value your company, so here is your ash tray. I know…… I’m supposed to be bothered by your smoking; well, I’m NOT.”

  5. margo says:

    I love this idea, and the ad’s great. Exposure therapy to overcome the phobia of SHS – very good! Show them scenes through glass first, maybe (eg mothers breast-feeding babies while smoking and reading a book – the way it used to be done) And show them re-runs of those fabulous interviews (from BBC archives) with the likes of Orson Wells, Dennis Potter, Marianne Faithfull, etc, where everyone smoked all the time and said truly interesting things. Lovely idea.

  6. harleyrider1978 says:

    And Einstein smoking in his interview discussing the theory of relativity!

  7. harleyrider1978 says:

    BRIDGEPORT –A woman who walked outside her Howard Avenue apartment to smoke a cigarette Monday night was confronted by two armed men, who then pushed their way into the building, police said.

    The woman’s boyfriend jumped out of bed and confronted the men, said Det. Keith Bryant, Bridgeport police spokesman. Nothing was taken and the suspects did not harm the couple, Bryant said. The woman’s boyfriend fell against a wall and injured his shoulder, but refused medical treatment, Bryant said.

    The incident is being investigated by the department’s robbery unit, and no information on a possible motive was available Tuesday morning.

    The suspects are described in the incident report about 18 years old and wearing all-black clothing. One suspect had on a black hoodie with a red, white and blue pattern under the arms. Bryant said police did stop two men shortly after the incident, based on witnesses’ descriptions, but those men were not involved, the police spokesman said.

    Read more: http://www.ctpost.com/policereports/art … z28pB19Cdq

  8. harleyrider1978 says:

    [IMG]http://i231.photobucket.com/albums/ee147/harleyrider1978/mn.jpg[/IMG]

  9. harleyrider1978 says:

  10. harleyrider1978 says:

    Good lord the Owebama government is even using epidemiology styled studies to produce the unemployment figures! Just like the climate change nazis and the anti-tobacco groups!

    The BLS “jobs report” is compiled from two surveys, the Current Population Survey(CPS) and the Current Economic Survey(CES).
    The CPS is a survey of about 66,000 households. The survey, like all statically derived polls has a margin of error. The margin of error for tho survey’s unemployment rate is 0.196%. The September change in unemployment was a standard deviation of 0.3%. A number that’s a statistically significant deviation from the standard and highly unusual.
    The CES surveys 141,000 employers including full-time, part time, workers on strike and those working for two different companies are double counted. The standard of error for CES is large at 55,000 for a monthly change.The margin of error(at a 95% confidence level) can be as high as 108,000 or nearly the total number of jobs gained last month.
    The bottom line is that he jobs report is highly prone to error and is subjective by nature. This last report was, if not deliberately manipulated, certainly skewed the data to favor a lower unemployment rate.

  11. Messalina says:

    Ahh, sounds like paradise on earth! Maybe that’s what heaven is like, who knows? What a great idea, really makes me feel good!

  12. harleyrider1978 says:

    Invisible killer
    The “Invisible killer” campaign was created to increase awareness of the hidden dangers of second-hand smoke – in particular the revelation that 85% of it is invisible and odourless. The press ads focused on this statistic with headlines: “There’s no smoke without more smoke”; and “The more you see the more you don’t”. While the TV ad showed a typical wedding with everyone – young and old – breathing in the toxic, invisible smoke.
    http://smokefree.nhs.uk/resources/news/campaigns/invisible-killer/

    Yepper indeed its invisible because the smoke breaks down and returns to its natural atmospheric levels as any vegetative burn does as in nitrogen,oxygen,water,carbon monoxide,carbon dioxide and that 6% thats in nanograms or less the so called mystical 7000 chemicals that use to be paraded as 4000! Where will the blackmagic end!

  13. harleyrider1978 says:

    Postcard from… San Francisco

    “Excuse me, do you have a light?” To a European, such a question asked in crowded bar, does not compute.

    It is now several years since a smoking ban was imposed in the UK, and lighting up in pub, bar or club will be met with a possible fine and a certain booting out from wherever you happen to be drinking. But not necessarily here in San Francisco.

    California has some of the toughest anti-smoking laws in the world. Light up in a motel and the owner is well within his or her right to charge you hundreds of dollars in “cleaning fees”. But a libertarian streak runs through this state and in this most liberal of American cities it is still possible to find a bar or two where smoking is not only allowed but also encouraged. In the US, the law was never about protecting the health of smokers, but was designed to protect the wellbeing of those working behind the bar – if the bar staff are aware of the risks, and agree to ignore the warning, customers are allowed to happily smoke themselves into an early grave.

    Of course, in practice this means that only small, privately-owned bars are exempt, but there are several in this city. My bar, the other night, was packed with smokers and one perfectly content barmaid.

    A good thing? Well, you always have a choice to drink somewhere else, but it is true that smoky bars do offer an atmosphere that has undoubtedly been lost since the universal ban was imposed in the UK. The one thing that wasn’t missed, however, was the smell of my clothes the next morning.

    http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world … 04835.html

  14. smokervoter says:

    That doesn’t surprise me as much as conventional wisdom might dictate.

    There’s a Forum Search Engine I’ve got on my mile long Firefox bookmarks that I’ll venture out on when I’m really, really bored to death. Type in Smoking or Tobacco and it’s off to the races. I recall one night ending up at a forum of mainly 20-somethings discussing smoking and the nightclub scene in Frisco. One kid rattled off over ten different places where you could smoke. I was floored. In San Fran-Frisk You for Tobacco?

    Lest we forget – one-quarter of ‘Baghdad on the Bay” voted Prop 29 down.

    As for me, I lived an hour-and-a-half away from there for 13 years and visited it maybe 10 times, mainly for good concerts like the Rolling Stones at Candlestick Park in 1981? And there was Lovely Ingrid the Waitress who I met in Santa Cruz just before she moved away to Frisco because she despised all of the flannel-shirted hippies in town. There is just something about the place that is a real turn-off for me. It’s gloomy, it’s depressing, it’s densely populated and the people are like I hear Parisians are – detached and quite unfriendly.

    What I like the most though is how impotent it must make Stanton Glantz and all the faculty lounge lizards at UCSF feel. I’m sure one of them picked up this story as they search the interwebs for bad news and enemies on the Tobacco Control war front.

  15. Marie says:

    This is exactly how “America” was described to me in an old, famous, danish childrens book, when I was a kid. : )

  16. Anisely says:

    This will surely be a very good news for heavy smokers who have quieted smoking now. Especially for my uncle.

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