As freezing Siberian conditions gripped Britain, Chief Medical Officer Sir Edward Spleen said he expected “several hundred” smokers to die outside Britain’s pubs each week.
“It’s not enough though. We were hoping for a lot more,” he added. “But far too many landlords have provided heated outdoor shelters for their smoking customers, out of a quaint and entirely misplaced humanitarian concern for these worthless addicts.”
Sir Edward called on the government to penalise pubs that provided external heating, and called for roofs to be removed from smoking shelters.
“People are going to have to realise that if they don’t live healthy lives we’re going to make sure they die slow and agonising deaths by exposure to sub-zero temperatures.”
Under WHO guidelines, Britain is supposed to cut smoking prevalence from 23% to 21% of the population by 2013.
Given some 12 million smokers in Britain, meeting this goal will require the number of smokers to be reduced by some 700,000 per year, or 13,500 a week.
“We’re launching a multi-pronged attack,” Sir Edward said. “If we can raise the number of smoker deaths to a couple of thousand a week outside pubs and clubs over winter, we’ll be well on our way to meeting the WHO target.”
He added that UK hospitals were “doing their bit” to kill off smokers by forcing smoking patients to trudge for hundreds of yards outside hospital grounds, often on crutches and carrying drips.
He also said that NHS doctors had been asked to prescribe more of the smoker-suicide-inducing drug Chantix to smokers.
“Also, with tobacco now at prohibitive prices, many smokers – particularly the older ones – are turning off heating and going without food. So, in addition to the deaths outside pubs, there will also a considerable and very welcome death toll among smokers in their own homes.”
“All the same, we’re unlikely to hit the 13,500-a-week target.”
As a result, Sir Edward, who was a Professor of Applied Eugenics before he took up the £250,000-a-year CMO post, said that he would certainly be calling for further punitive measures against smokers.
Asked how many lives the UK smoking ban had saved since its introduction 5 years ago, Sir Edward said, “None at all, probably. It was never intended to save lives. Secondhand smoke is perfectly harmless really. The aim of the smoking ban wasn’t to save lives, but to make smokers quit smoking. And if that means them dropping dead outside pubs and hospitals, then so be it. And it’s actually the most effective way of making them quit, because there’s no possibility at all of them relapsing and taking up the habit again.”
Frank, that is totally inspired. It’s better than any Daily Mash article, and they’ve had some cracking good ones.
It’s also horribly logical. To meet their targets of getting rid of smoking, of course the quickest way is to get rid of smokers.
But why don’t they just let us kill ourselves by smoking: after all, it’s a certain premature death sentence isn’t it?
Isn’t it?
Oh.
69 and been smoking for 53 years, why am I still alive? This is very funny but has an undertone of truth about it, worrying.
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AAA+
WHO headquarters bombed
A suspect smoking near the devastated scene has been implicated as a prime suspect in the inhumane way in which world anti-tobacco leaders were decimated. The unidentified smoker had a british accent and was noted to have flash burns and powder smoke residue about his hands and face. When witnesses were questioned he smiled,he just smiled as the whole bloody block went up in the air. it was just amazing!
Bloomberg calls for Marshall Law in wake of WHO building blast
Shock said NY Times editor Michael Mcfadden! Just shock as he rolled a new smoke during our interview.
The Editor stated,we should be on the look out for more crazed smokers. It was inevitable!
We warned backlash was going to come, now we see an underground movement of children smokers,mom and pop smokers,politician smokers, seniors evicted for smoking. Bloomberg knew well long ago such catostrophes were comming yet he peristed in his war on smokers. Todays headline will be The Bloomberg Bunker,mayor hides as smokers strike back!
Unfortunately it’s the actual truth of the situation if one were to describe current socio-eugenic conditions as they really are, with the blindfolds removed, the curtain drawn back and the wizards behind the screen on display for who and what their genuine intentions are. about. Excellent satire, but it’s less funny and more frightening, it’s the honest to goodness truth.
“He added that UK hospitals were “doing their bit” to kill off smokers by forcing smoking patients to trudge for hundreds of yards outside hospital grounds, often on crutches and carrying drips.”
When questioned on the legality of these extreme tactics, Sir Edward waved a copy of Article 8 of the FCTC and insisted that his orders were clear.
“No exemptions are justified on the basis of health or law arguments.”
http://www.who.int/fctc/cop/art%208%20guidelines_english.pdf
Frightengly close to the truth, Frank. Let’s not forget that it wasn’t so very long ago that the US government, at the behest of the anti-alcohol zealots, were putting poison in industrial ethanol, causing thousands of deaths.
Of course, those that died did so from drinking bootleg alcohol made from the contaminated ethanol, so that was ok as far as the zealots were concerned. Served them right for consuming the demon drink.